What is the Self of the Father?

I have been a practicing therapist since 1997 and a professor of marriage and family therapy for nearly as long. There is a core concept that is considered crucial in order for therapist to be effective. It is called Self-of-the-Therapist work. The idea is that therapists must have a consciousness of all the things that influence their thinking and thus what they do or do not do in their role as a therapist. 

Author Peggy Tabor Millin captures this idea more poeticly in her book Mary’s Way:

¨I was on a train on a rainy day. The train was slowing down to pull into a station. For some reason I became intent on watching the raindrops on the window. Two separate drops, pushed by the wind, merged into one for a moment and then divided again-each carrying with it, a part of the other. Simply by that momentary touching, neither was what it had been before. And as each went on to touch other raindrops, it shared not only itself, but what it had gleaned from the other. I saw this metaphor many years ago and it is one of my most vivid memories. I realized then that we never touch people so lightly that we do not leave a trace. Our state of being matters to those around us, so we need to become conscious of what we unintentionally share so we can learn to share with intention.¨

I have decided to use this same idea and apply it to myself in my role as a father in order to become conscious of what I might unconsciously be passing on to my son. Who we are as fathers matters immensely. 

Therapists typically focus on how factors such as culture, family of origin, gender, social economic status, education, sexual orientation, race, nationality and other influences shape how they do their work. For Fathers, there are far more areas for us to explore! My hope is to consider these and many others in order to be the best Dad I can be. 

If I were a smart marketer, I would take an expert position and try and tell other Dads some absolute truths based in research. It would be better for my ego and wallet to take that path. I am going to take a different path. I have taught parent and child psychology, play therapy and I have likely worked with a few thousand patients, parents and children, over the years. Yet, I have definitely learned that there is a difference between book learning and lived experiences. Both are valuable but they are not the same thing! I am a new first time father at fifty. I have many ideas but I do not have anything figured out. I want to use this space to engage in Self of the Father Work and to dialogue with others about their experiences. 

If you had to name the number one influence on how you parent as a father, what would it be?